|New Skin and Friend-Gaining Mode
||[Apr. 14th, 2005|09:26 am]
|||||Shizuku - GTO Ending||]|
There's something vaguely amusing about wound treatment that consists of antiseptic superglue/fingernail polish. I say this, of course, because I'm wearing some now. It's New Skin, the "liquid bandage". You paint it on and nothing can get in, but it's clear (aside from being shiny) and doesn't impede your movement, so it's superior to band-aids - or so goes the advertisement, at least. Of course, despite the "active ingredients: antiseptic", the warning reads "may be removed by fingernail polish remover", and I've been told it's superglue, so overall, I must admit a wee bit of trepidation at smearing this stuff on open wounds. Nevertheless, it is better than a bandaid, especially when I'm going to be typing all day.
On to the point (there was one?), I've noticed something in myself which I hesitate somewhat to generalize to the public at large, and yet I think that most of them must have something like it. I have social modes. When I first arrived in college, I was friendly and bubbly and made a fool of myself to several people. ("Which college are you majoring in?" "I'm a professor.") I started up discussions in the dining hall, went to new events and joined organizations, and met lots of people, who I eventually slimmed down to a core group of people I wanted to really spend time with. Don't get me wrong, this was entirely unconscious, and was also partially influenced by other people deciding to want to be friends with me or not. After (at most) a year at college, the mode shut down and I was once again my bookish, vaguely friendly but not too outgoing self.
I made a sort of conscious decision at the con this year to reach out and try to be friendly, and now I find myself in the grip of another social mode. I'm joining groups and trying to talk to people who I don't know, and I'm seeing this large mound of connections that I'm going to have to maintain and wondering what I'm going to do about it. I think this is good overall, since I can't just sit in front of my computer... er... never talk to anyone?... for the rest of my days, but I imagine there are going to be some down sides to it. Like, time.
I did make some time last night to write another 1,000 words in the story I'm working on (Let's call it "Magical Pretty Boy Make Up!" for a work name... and I'm imagining at least one person, if they chose to read this entry, just spit whatever they were drinking on the monitor - you can charge me for the bill if you'd like), but I'm finding myself in mid-story crisis. It's the point where you've gotten past the linear bits, and you know mostly how it's going to end, and you know kinda how it's going to get there, but there are a lot of characters and a lot of plot points in the way. You kind of stare up at the towering mass of them and wonder why on earth you got into this in the first place. I know I have to write through it, but I was singularly unimpressed by my attempts to do so in Familiar. It was sort of like I started out with the concept of building a wall, and I was really gung ho about it. I laid the foundation carefully, and started building upon it, trying to get everything right. But somewhere around a fifth of the way through, I noticed that the bricks weren't getting any smaller and I was starting to get tired. Instead of laying each brick with full attention, I started slapping mortar on the wall, tossing a few bricks on top and hoping it didn't turn out too bad.
Why do I have all these stories in my head which I want to write so badly, but I can't do them justice? Many of them can't be written as short stories, so I can't limit myself to that. It's really frustrating never to finish anything, never to see the end of the stories I cared enough to want to start.
My apologies for waxing to the dramatic. I get really frustrated, and I guess that puts me into Angst-Mode. (Perhaps I should retitle this entry Silicon Rose and her Various Modes.) I guess I should start outlining or something, but... heck, I have as much trouble with that as everything else. I know my fiction isn't horrible. I know I have potential. I just have to get into the trenches and start slugging... but when I do that, I feel like I'm getting something wrong. Similarly to coding, if you can't grasp the concept and the code won't flow, or you're looking a really nasty hack in the face, your design is probably screwed up somewhere and it's time to fix it.
I just don't know how.